They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

I gave Stevie wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

Even when I’m really tired I refuse to take naps during the day. My wife says I’m resisting a rest.

Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.