#772

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

#362

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

#496

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

#694

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.

#430

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

#133

Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, “I wonder what his handicap is?”

#888

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

#435

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

#411

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

#799

Dad: Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime artist
Son: Was it something I said?
Dad: Yes

#385

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

#367

Did you know that Snoop Dogg’s sister is a stripper?
She wears nothing but a g-string baby

#416

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

#252

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

#689

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

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