If canola oil comes from canola, where does baby oil come from?

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

I’m hosting a charity event tonight to raise money for people unable to orgasm. Don’t worry if you can’t come.

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

I can only tell you a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon