Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

I swear to drunk I’m not god but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don’t do vegetables

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

White boards are remarkable

I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.