It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.

I’m hosting a charity event tonight to raise money for people unable to orgasm. Don’t worry if you can’t come.

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya

What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.