#709
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.
#245
“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
#226
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she’s not out of the woods yet.
#753
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
#217
My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.
I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.
#761
What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.
#253
37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.
#150
Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.
#708
What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet
#888
I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it
#23
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure
#721
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
#111
My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.
#537
Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.
#446
My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
#858
What sits at the bottom of the ocean shivering?
A nervous wreck
#499
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
#349
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
#803
When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body.
Then I was born
#677
My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.