People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite painting?
Sha-Mona Lisa

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

If two vegans have an argument is it still beef?

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done

My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.