I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying

What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.