Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

What part of a vegetable do cannibals struggle to eat?
The wheelchair

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’

Wanna hear a potassium joke?
K

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

Not all math puns are bad. Just sum.

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.