Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.