I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

Where did Mary go after the explosion?
Everywhere

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up