I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”