Where do fish work? The offish.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny..

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

Not all math puns are bad. Just sum.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.