#397

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

#391

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

#248

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

#76

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

#169

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

#364

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Anette

#297

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

#277

It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.

#647

I can only tell you a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon

#533

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

#145

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

#797

My dad always used to say β€œThe sky’s the limit!”
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA

#890

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

#876

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

#868

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

#637

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing

#618

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

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