I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”


Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.


What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.


When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.


I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.


What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?



There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.


I can only tell you a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon


An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.


I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.


My dad always used to say β€œThe sky’s the limit!”
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA


What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending


Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed


A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.


-Librarians arguing


If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

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