My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

I thought I understood the meaning of “When Pigs Fly” but then… the swine flu.

I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning… gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

My friend David lost his ID.

So now I call him Dav.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

I thought I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears. What am I? Ugly

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”