I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

I’m thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

What part of your body likes to get frisky?
The naked eye

I’ve just finished reading a book called “How To Give Constructive Criticism.”
It was rubbish.

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.