When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Anette

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

Did you hear about the horse and pig that are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship

I just found out that the guy who stole my private diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.