For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

Did you hear about the horse and pig that are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship

What do you call an Asian man who always has the correct change?
Exact Lee

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

What was the demon arrested for?
Possession

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.