What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

It’s better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole

If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she’s probably just pulling your leg

My wife said “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
So I returned with 12 loaves of bread

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”