Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

I have a fear of speed bumps. Im slowly getting over it

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass!!

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once… going twice.

How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars