What’s got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.