Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.

What’s the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?
Luke warm

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

What part of your body likes to get frisky?
The naked eye

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.