I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

White boards are remarkable

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

I’m thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.