Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.