How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

What religion are baby cows? Calf-lic.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

Do you know why i make puns?
its my respunsibility.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory

What do vegan dogs eat? Bark

Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted