If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

What was the demon arrested for?
Possession

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing

Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.