My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it