The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

What do you call a bee with a low buzz?
A mumblebee

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.