#799

Dad: Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime artist
Son: Was it something I said?
Dad: Yes

#715

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

#142

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

#888

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

#264

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

#201

A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

#449

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

#416

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

#813

What do ballerinas take for transportation?
A tutu train

#136

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

#50

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

#189

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

#540

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

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