Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning… gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

I was lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.