What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.

What was the demon arrested for?
Possession

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.

What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving