Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

What do you call an Asian man who always has the correct change?
Exact Lee

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

Why did the Higgs Boson go to church?
For the mass

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean