I saw a bishop the other day. Wondered why he wasn’t walking diagonally

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.