The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

What sits at the bottom of the ocean shivering?
A nervous wreck

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.