If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.

Face is a four letter word. But preface is a foreword letter.

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything”

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y