The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran


What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”


Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.


Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window


The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery


What did the cleaner say as he jumped out of the closet?


Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.


What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.


Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming


I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.


The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.


Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.


Did you know that one of the Knights of the Round Table collected taxes?
His name was Sir Charge


Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

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