I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Currently the flower business is blooming.

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.