My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

What did the remote say to the TV? You turn me on.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

I just found out that the guy who stole my private diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.