You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

Clones are people two

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

What did the remote say to the TV? You turn me on.

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience