One of the elves left the North Pole to join a gang and sell drugs.
He’s a rebel without a Claus

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonkey.

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

Pick up line: “Are you a beaver because damn!”

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen