I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonkey.

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.