I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

Not all math puns are bad. Just sum.

My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back

It’s better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.
It was Won Ton.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.