When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I didn’t believe her. And then I saw her face

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

I’m hosting a charity event tonight to raise money for people unable to orgasm. Don’t worry if you can’t come.

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

One of the elves left the North Pole to join a gang and sell drugs.
He’s a rebel without a Claus