#450

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

#808

My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and has never had a customer.
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it

#568

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

#117

Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again

#430

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

#728

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

#223

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

#485

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

#679

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

#731

I slapped Dwayne Johnson’s butt.
I guess I’ve hit Rock Bottom.

#401

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

#399

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

#293

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

#22

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

#696

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

#183

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

#255

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

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