What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning… gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees