I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

A jumper cable walked into a bar, the bartender said “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

What has four letters

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

Cinderella got kicked off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

Pick up line: “Are you a beaver because damn!”