Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

I’m thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.