Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

Where do fish work? The offish.

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny..