Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.

Did you know that Snoop Dogg’s sister is a stripper?
She wears nothing but a g-string baby

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

Why did the Higgs Boson go to church?
For the mass

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.