You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.


How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry


My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.


Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.


Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.


When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato


Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”


What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.


A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.


Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.


What do ballerinas take for transportation?
A tutu train


I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.


I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…


Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!


Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.


How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

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