#772

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

#170

How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry

#371

My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

#537

Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.

#152

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

#423

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

#742

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

#483

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

#868

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

#644

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

#813

What do ballerinas take for transportation?
A tutu train

#837

I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.

#153

I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…

#272

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

#574

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

#551

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

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