Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

I swear to drunk I’m not god but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don’t do vegetables

Who is the best king fu vegetable?
Brocc Lee

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.

A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.