Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.

Where do fish work? The offish.

Our vet is great. If you take your dog in and you have pet insurance, they give you a courtesy dog for the day.

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.