It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans

How is cat food sold?
Purr can

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

Say what you want about deaf people…

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

What kind of currency do chickens use? Bock bucks