I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A Spaghetto

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonkey.