My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

I thought I understood the meaning of “When Pigs Fly” but then… the swine flu.

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

When I heard that they’d found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.