A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass!!

My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

I have a fear of speed bumps. Im slowly getting over it

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.