#93

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass!!

#767

My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

#445

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

#299

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

#562

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

#761

What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.

#808

My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and has never had a customer.
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it

#864

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

#522

What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon

#87

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

#439

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

#154

I have a fear of speed bumps. Im slowly getting over it

#413

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

#70

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

#205

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

#314

I have two boys, 5 and 6. Weโ€™re no good at naming things in our house.

#649

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

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