I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.