I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Anette

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’

I have a fear of speed bumps. Im slowly getting over it