I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

What kind of train eats a lot?
A chew chew train

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly.

What kind of currency do chickens use? Bock bucks

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

Did you hear about the houses falling in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship.

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.