I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s time consuming

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.