Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”