A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon