The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

My friend David lost his ID.

So now I call him Dav.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

White boards are remarkable

One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

How is cat food sold?
Purr can

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole

Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff