What did the remote say to the TV? You turn me on.

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears. What am I? Ugly

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

What has four letters

White boards are remarkable

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.