I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

What kind of train eats a lot?
A chew chew train

A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything”

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

A jumper cable walked into a bar, the bartender said “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.