When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.

Where do fish work? The offish.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together and I was like… “OMg”

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

What do you call a wandering caveman? A meanderthal.

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday