It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!