I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.
It was Won Ton.

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

Did you hear about the houses falling in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship.

Tennis players grunt too much when they play.
There’s no need for all that racquet

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!