Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

What do you get when giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.