A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

How is cat food sold?
Purr can

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

I met a woman with 12 boobs…
Sounds weird dozen tit!

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

Relationships between men and women is psychological.
She is psycho and he is logical.

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”