An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts