Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.