How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

I, for one, like Roman numerals

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.