A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

I was lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.