Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

Where did Mary go after the explosion?
Everywhere

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears. What am I? Ugly

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape