I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

I saw a bishop the other day. Wondered why he wasn’t walking diagonally

My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

Do you know why i make puns?
its my respunsibility.

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

How is cat food sold?
Purr can

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.