I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

Did you hear about the houses falling in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship.

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.