What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

Did you know that Snoop Dogg’s sister is a stripper?
She wears nothing but a g-string baby

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

Yeah, it was on Fry Day, I can’t believe they got killed for the halibut. No motive, someone should seas the culprit. I’m crabby bout it all

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club

Face is a four letter word. But preface is a foreword letter.

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean