I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

What part of a vegetable do cannibals struggle to eat?
The wheelchair

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

This guy just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of his penis. Definitely won’t be shagging one of those again

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.