So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response.

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

My wife said “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
So I returned with 12 loaves of bread

I was lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

Where do fish work? The offish.