What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“