What do you call a woman with no legs? Nolene

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

What’s an epileptics favourite food? Seizure salad

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”