My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“

What part of a vegetable do cannibals struggle to eat?
The wheelchair

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?
“Get in the batmobile”

Sheepdog: All 50 sheep are accounted for, boss.
Farmer: But I only had 49?
Sheepdog: Yeah I know. I rounded them up.

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

Do you know why i make puns?
its my respunsibility.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.