As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

If canola oil comes from canola, where does baby oil come from?

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

Why is life in North Korea so hard? Because North Korea lost its Seoul.

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

The only dates I get these days are software updates

My wife said “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
So I returned with 12 loaves of bread

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!