My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Those long face jokes are so mean. Let me buy you a drink”

A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning… gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s time consuming

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

Why did the Higgs Boson go to church?
For the mass

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire