My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”

I just found out that the guy who stole my private diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down

Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads

A jumper cable walked into a bar, the bartender said “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together and I was like… “OMg”

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.