I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

A jumper cable walked into a bar, the bartender said “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.

If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

Did you hear about the horse and pig that are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice