When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

Blonde: “What does IDK mean?”

Brunette: “I don’t know.”

Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

What did the remote say to the TV? You turn me on.

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”