How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

What part of a vegetable do cannibals struggle to eat?
The wheelchair

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

What kind of train eats a lot?
A chew chew train

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.