You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.