I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

What sits at the bottom of the ocean shivering?
A nervous wreck

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

Where do fish work? The offish.