#428
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
#50
Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.
#335
I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y
#531
What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek
#790
One of my mates is selling his budgie.
Unfortunately it’s not going cheap
#841
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
#202
A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”
#172
Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.
#16
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud
#675
A plateau is the highest form of flattery
#613
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”
#889
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”
#832
My wife said “Black really is slimming on you, you’ve never looked sexier”.
I said “Turn the light back on”.
#738
30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.
#825
Mountains aren’t just funny
They’re hill areas
#128
My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.
#420
I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay
#41
What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack
#308
The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at
#785
My wife hates Oasis and asked me to stop singing Wonderwall.
I said maybe
