I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them

When are holes beautiful? When they’re gorges.

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

Why is life in North Korea so hard? Because North Korea lost its Seoul.

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything”