They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.