It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

I just found out that the guy who stole my private diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

I’m thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.