What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.

The only dates I get these days are software updates

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.