I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

I met a woman with 12 boobs…
Sounds weird dozen tit!

I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?
“Get in the batmobile”

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.