You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

My friend David lost his ID.

So now I call him Dav.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.