I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done

What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.