What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny..

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.