#60
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.
#168
What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi
#567
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream
#254
A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”
#98
“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.
#799
Dad: Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime artist
Son: Was it something I said?
Dad: Yes
#755
A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
#526
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
#837
I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.
#848
How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
#761
What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.
#133
Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, “I wonder what his handicap is?”
#374
Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects
#832
My wife said “Black really is slimming on you, you’ve never looked sexier”.
I said “Turn the light back on”.
#492
The rotation of earth really makes my day.
#389
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels
#110
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
#300
Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.
#305
Lets have a toast for the bread winners!
#430
Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window