My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

There’s no “i” in denial

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.