Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once… going twice.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again

Why is life in North Korea so hard? Because North Korea lost its Seoul.

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

I mustache you a question but I’ll Shave it for later

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs