Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold

My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

It puzzles me that a bra is singular and panties are plural.

What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached

An English man, an Irish man and an Italian walk into a bar. The bartender says “is this a joke?”

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!

What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar