I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I’m hosting a charity event tonight to raise money for people unable to orgasm. Don’t worry if you can’t come.

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Anette

Yesterday I saw a keyboard with some missing keys. It ended up killing itself because it lacked self-Ctrl.