Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

I’m hosting a charity event tonight to raise money for people unable to orgasm. Don’t worry if you can’t come.

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

What part of your body likes to get frisky?
The naked eye

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

I, for one, like Roman numerals

Yeah, it was on Fry Day, I can’t believe they got killed for the halibut. No motive, someone should seas the culprit. I’m crabby bout it all

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.