I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape

I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she’s probably just pulling your leg

The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Doctor, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee. Trouble is, you’re too tense.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.