My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

The only dates I get these days are software updates

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

Blonde: “What does IDK mean?”

Brunette: “I don’t know.”

Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!