There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

How does an evil cow laugh? Moohaha

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.

Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

What was the demon arrested for?
Possession

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

What do you call an Asian man who always has the correct change?
Exact Lee

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette