One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

I was lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.