What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

The only dates I get these days are software updates

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.