I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

What do you get when giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A Piiig…

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears. What am I? Ugly

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”