Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

A baby seal walks into a club.

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape

Yeah, it was on Fry Day, I can’t believe they got killed for the halibut. No motive, someone should seas the culprit. I’m crabby bout it all

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!