People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response.

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!