Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

Face is a four letter word. But preface is a foreword letter.

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

Why is life in North Korea so hard? Because North Korea lost its Seoul.

Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads