Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

I just found out that the guy who stole my private diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.