What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

What sits at the bottom of the ocean shivering?
A nervous wreck

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.