Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

Sheepdog: All 50 sheep are accounted for, boss.
Farmer: But I only had 49?
Sheepdog: Yeah I know. I rounded them up.

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

Where do fish work? The offish.

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.