When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

When are holes beautiful? When they’re gorges.

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing