#148

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

#328

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

#655

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

#638

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

#55

What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

#312

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

#337

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

#900

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

#429

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

#482

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

#487

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

#266

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

#695

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

#471

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

#890

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

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