My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

What was the demon arrested for?
Possession

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

I’m thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.