I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

‘I hate tacos’ said no Juan ever

What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending