The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.