I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

It’s better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything”

What’s the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.