What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

Yesterday I saw a keyboard with some missing keys. It ended up killing itself because it lacked self-Ctrl.

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly.

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.