Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club

I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together and I was like… “OMg”

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

What do you call a woman with no legs? Nolene

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

It puzzles me that a bra is singular and panties are plural.

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

Doctor, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee. Trouble is, you’re too tense.