Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

Frankly, auto correct, I’m getting tired of your shirt.

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite painting?
Sha-Mona Lisa

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny..

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I didn’t believe her. And then I saw her face

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.