How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

What has four letters