#145

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

#637

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing

#127

When I heard that they’d found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

#595

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

#297

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

#105

If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

#808

My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and has never had a customer.
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it

#705

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

#731

I slapped Dwayne Johnson’s butt.
I guess I’ve hit Rock Bottom.

#888

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

#256

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

#343

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

#109

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

#227

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

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