I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

Currently the flower business is blooming.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.