My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she’s probably just pulling your leg

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A Spaghetto

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

What’s the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse

How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.