What religion are baby cows? Calf-lic.

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

A jumper cable walked into a bar, the bartender said “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

I’m hosting a charity event tonight to raise money for people unable to orgasm. Don’t worry if you can’t come.

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

What was the demon arrested for?
Possession