Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Those long face jokes are so mean. Let me buy you a drink”

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

What do you call an Asian man who always has the correct change?
Exact Lee

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly.

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓