My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she’s probably just pulling your leg

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

‘I hate tacos’ said no Juan ever

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication