Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes

A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

What do you call a bee with a low buzz?
A mumblebee

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectater

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.