An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonkey.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot