I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

I can only tell you a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4