Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

Cinderella got kicked off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

One of the elves left the North Pole to join a gang and sell drugs.
He’s a rebel without a Claus

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.