I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

Yesterday I saw a keyboard with some missing keys. It ended up killing itself because it lacked self-Ctrl.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny