A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry

Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.