When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

An English man, an Irish man and an Italian walk into a bar. The bartender says “is this a joke?”

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

What’s the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?
Luke warm

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

Cinderella got kicked off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong