I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Who is the best king fu vegetable?
Brocc Lee

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A Piiig…

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

What kind of currency do chickens use? Bock bucks

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

How does an evil cow laugh? Moohaha

Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil