Yeah, it was on Fry Day, I can’t believe they got killed for the halibut. No motive, someone should seas the culprit. I’m crabby bout it all

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

A baby seal walks into a club.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.