Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

When are holes beautiful? When they’re gorges.

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t

‘I hate tacos’ said no Juan ever

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

One of the elves left the North Pole to join a gang and sell drugs.
He’s a rebel without a Claus

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack