I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes

If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

What kind of train eats a lot?
A chew chew train

I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.