Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity

How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

What’s got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.