My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

If canola oil comes from canola, where does baby oil come from?

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

What has four letters

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

How do Mexicans stay warm in winter? Fajitas

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

A horse walks into a bar. Several patrons get up and leave as they recognise the potential danger in the situation

Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge