I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

What do you get when giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

A man was admitted to hospital with a number of toy horses up his backside. His condition is now stable.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.