A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

A jumper cable walked into a bar, the bartender said “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”