I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

I, for one, like Roman numerals

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.