Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

I, for one, like Roman numerals

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.