What do vegan dogs eat? Bark

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying

Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

It’s better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns

My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong