I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she’s not out of the woods yet.

I can only tell you a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s time consuming

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

I mustache you a question but I’ll Shave it for later

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”