3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I didn’t believe her. And then I saw her face

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole

Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

I thought I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.