Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

I thought I understood the meaning of “When Pigs Fly” but then… the swine flu.

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“