I gave Stevie wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.