It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

Who is the best king fu vegetable?
Brocc Lee

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

Pick up line: “Are you a beaver because damn!”

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.