What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny..

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response.

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.