A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

What sits at the bottom of the ocean shivering?
A nervous wreck

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything”

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y

Where do fish work? The offish.

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.