I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

When are holes beautiful? When they’re gorges.

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

What kind of currency do chickens use? Bock bucks

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

Tennis players grunt too much when they play.
There’s no need for all that racquet

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”