Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene