My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Did you hear about the houses falling in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship.

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.