When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

Relationships between men and women is psychological.
She is psycho and he is logical.

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

Sheepdog: All 50 sheep are accounted for, boss.
Farmer: But I only had 49?
Sheepdog: Yeah I know. I rounded them up.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

If two vegans have an argument is it still beef?

What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi

What religion are baby cows? Calf-lic.

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.