I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.