LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

What was the demon arrested for?
Possession

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold

My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart

I gave Stevie wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.