I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

What do you get when giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.