I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

Puts the car into reverse.
“Ah, this takes me back”

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.