Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she’s probably just pulling your leg

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer