Pick up line: “Are you a beaver because damn!”

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

What sits at the bottom of the ocean shivering?
A nervous wreck

Frankly, auto correct, I’m getting tired of your shirt.

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly