I gave Stevie wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning… gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around

Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.