Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

What sits at the bottom of the ocean shivering?
A nervous wreck

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.