What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans