This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

Say what you want about deaf people…

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”