It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

A baby seal walks into a club.

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.

My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

How do Mexicans stay warm in winter? Fajitas

My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back